Swan Song
by sweetkiwi604
Summary: Sarah's thoughts during Dean's last moments of life. Sisfic. One shot.


**Author's note: I do not own anything having to do with Supernatural, only Sarah belongs to me.**

**One of my darker one shots because everything can't always have a happy ending, right?**

Swan Song

"Sarah," Sam started gently trying to get my attention as I stared at my eldest brother lying in the hospital bed. The doctor had just left after telling us there was nothing else they could do. What they called the 'death rattle' had started and they said it could be anytime now.

"No," I whispered shaking my head, this wasn't happening, this _couldn't_ be happening.

I knew the day would come eventually, the day I dreaded since I was old enough to understand what the family business was but I always thought it would be something supernatural that took my brother, my protector away from me not cancer. I couldn't even say the word without it leaving a foul taste in my mouth. This wasn't something that holy water, silver or an exorcism could fix and I didn't know how to handle it.

"Sarah, where are you going?" Sam questioned concerned and to be honest I didn't even realize I was walking backwards towards the door until he spoke up.

"I…I have to…I'll be back," I gave him a small smile before nearly running down the hallway and into the closest bathroom.

I slid to the floor and pulled my knees up to my chest trying to stop the tears from falling but it was too late as they cascaded down my cheeks.

"_Come on, one more game, please," I pouted shuffling the deck of cards like a pro._

"_Not tonight, kiddo, I'm exhausted," Dean replied with a half smile as he trudged over to the bed and fell asleep almost instantly. That should have been my first clue something was wrong but I ignored it thinking nothing could take down my batman._

The need to take away the pain was screaming in my head. Do it, you know it will make you feel better. Don't do it, he would be so disappointed in you. Do it, you need the release. Don't do it, you're stronger than this. Do it, don't do it, do it…do it…DO IT! I reached for the knife I kept in my boot and rolled up my sleeve. My hand trembled as I thought about it for another second before dragging the cool metal across my skin, making the perfect little red line that I so desperately needed to see. I sat there for another minute taking in the euphoric feeling it gave me before sticking my knife back in my boot and rolling my sleeve back down.

I walked almost numbly back to Dean's room and sat next to his bed opposite of Sam. He would have been so disappointed in me that after all these years I went back to old habits to deal with my emotions but I felt so lost. I felt like the world was coming at me hard and fast and I couldn't tell which way was up anymore.

"You alright?" Sam asked quietly so he wouldn't wake Dean but all I could do was give a small nod as I took Dean's hand in my own. It was so weird, so different. For the first time in my whole life holding his hand didn't make me feel better.

"_What are you doing?" Dean asked looking down at me like I had six heads when I grabbed his hand._

"_I'm not allowed to cross the street unless I'm holding an adult's hand," I explained not letting go of his hand as he tried to pull it out of my grasp._

"_Yeah when you were five," Dean groaned and tried again to pull his hand away, "You're seventeen years old!"_

"_But I'm not an adult yet," I smirked liking the fact I was so easily annoying him._

"_You are so damaged," he sighed though stopped trying to fight against me as we walked down the street hand in hand._

"_Shut up, you love me," I bumped our shoulders together, smiling like an idiot._

"We knew this was going to happen, it was only a matter of time," Sam spoke gently blinking back a few tears that formed in the corners of his eyes and cleared his throat before he continued. "At least he won't be suffering anymore."

_At least he won't be suffering anymore_, that sentence replayed in my head and it only added fuel to the fire that was building inside of me. "What?" I snapped and the look on Sam's face told me he was surprised I had said anything at all. "At least he won't be suffering anymore, Sam? Really? That's what you have to say? What about we'll find some way to save him? What about we're not going to give up hope?"

"I just meant we need to prepare ourselves," Sam started again and I couldn't believe what I was hearing.

He was always the positive one. You know, glass is half full, pot of gold at the end of the rainbow, happy-go-lucky, Sam. I, however, was always the negative one. The glass is half empty, I was convinced a little black rain cloud followed me around, you know they type of person that can find darkness no matter where you were. Then there was Dean, our peace keeper, who would say who cares how full the glass is drink what's in it.

"No," I grounded out.

"Look, I know you two always had a close relationship but it's his time," Sam tried again always keeping his voice calm and gentle.

"_Dean, I can't find my shoes!" I yelled as I ran around the motel room throwing my homework in my backpack._

"_Here," he tossed them to me and I barely caught them._

"_What about lunch?" I questioned hobbling to the door as I slipped one shoe on and then the other._

"_Packed," he smiled holding up a brown paper bag._

"_Sarah, some people are still sleeping," Sam complained throwing a pillow over his head to block out the noise and I purposely slammed the motel room door as we walked out to the Impala._

"_Dude, I'm in high school can't you just give me money for lunch?" I whined grabbing the bag from his hands and shoving it in my backpack._

"_Shut up and get in the car, you're going to be late."_

"_What if I played hooky?" I questioned with a mischievous grin spreading across my face._

"_Nu-uh," Dean shook his head, "I did not get up early to drive you to school just so that you could decide to skip and go back to bed."_

"_So, what if we don't go back to the motel?" I asked and I heard him let out a loud sigh. "Come on, De, I'm sure there is something in this town worth doing for a couple hours."_

"_I don't know…" he trailed off but I knew he was starting to cave so I put the cherry on top._

"_Yeah, that's ok," I played it off like I was disappointed turning my head so I could look out the window. "I knew Sam was your favorite. You only hangout with me because you have to not because you want to. Just drop me at school, it's no big deal."_

_And the Academy Award goes to Sarah Winchester as Dean drove right past the high school and straight to the diner._

"Yeah, so close he couldn't even tell me," I retorted bitterly and had to bite the side of my cheek to stop the tears from coming.

"He didn't want to scare you."

_I had a headache and though it was probably just because I was hungry I went over to Dean's bag to try and find some aspirin. Rummaging through his clothes to pull out our medicine bag I found about six different medications, pulling each one out and trying to read the name of them but I couldn't figure out what they were for._

"_Sorry we took so long, I think they went and slaughtered the cow for our burgers," Dean announced walking in the room with a bag of food as Sam followed behind him with a tray of drinks but he stopped when he saw me going through his bag. "Sarah, what the hell are you doing?"_

"_What am I doing?" I shouted grabbing one of the bottles and throwing it as hard as I could at him. "What are you doing? What is all of this?" I saw Sam give him a small nod and Dean let out a sigh as he ran a hand over his face. "What the fuck is going on?!"_

"_Why don't you sit down," Sam suggested motioning to one of the beds._

"_No," I shook my head grabbing the rest of the bottle and tossing them in Dean's direction, "What the hell is all of this?"_

"_My medication," Dean answered softly but it didn't stop me from being furious._

"_Right," I rolled my eyes sarcastically. "What are you some druggie now? Way to go, Dean, alcohol wasn't enough for you?"_

"_Sarah Marie," Sam scolded but Dean cut him off._

"_No, Sam, it's ok."_

"_How is this ok!?" I exclaimed._

"_I'm sick, kiddo," Dean told me with a defeated look in his eyes, one I had never seen before, one that scared the crap out of me._

"_But you're going to fine, right?" I questioned and neither one answered so I repeated. "Right? Come on you're Dean Winchester. You're Batman, nothing you can't handle…right?"_

_The lack of response was my answer._

I didn't want to remember my brother like this, so frail and broken looking. He had very little hair left, his cheeks had sunken in, there were dark circles under his eyes that were only accentuated by his ashy skin and you could feel the bones in his hands. I wanted to remember him driving the Impala with the windows down and music blaring from the speakers. I wanted to remember him throwing his leather jacket over top of me in the backseat when I would fall asleep. I wanted to remember that stupid grin he got on his face when an attractive girl walked by. I wanted to remember it all, every second I ever spent with him but all I could see in my head was how he looked now.

Then it happened, the room got deafeningly quiet, my world ended when he took his last breath.


End file.
